Waiting for…Patience

I’m happy to report that I’ve turned in the new book, The Entitlement-Free Child, to the publisher!!! It feels great to be finished. I only wish the book could be on the market for December holidays but the publisher says it’s scheduled for a 2009 release date (I’ll hope anyway).

The topic for today comes from something I came across while scanning the internet for “the marshmallow test”. Some of you might remember the reference to the Stanford study on delayed gratification from the Family Time January Newsletter link to Daniel Goleman’s blog. The “marshmallow test” placed a marshmallow on the table in front of a four-year-old child who was told he could eat the marshmallow now but, if he waited twenty minutes for the researcher return, he would get two marshmallows. The study showed that the children with self-control were happier and more successful up to ten years later.

Without having read all the details of the study, I recently found descriptions of what the children did while waiting for that second marshmallow. To my mind, these are far more telling about how children learn to wait than the image of patient children passing the time in some constructive, adult-like way. These are four-year-olds after all. Take a minute, before reading further, to imagine what your child does to pass time in challenging situations.

The children in the study were wonderfully creative. Some covered their eyes not to be tempted. Others stared at their marshmallow to make sure they didn’t lose the marshmallow they already had. Some moved away from the temptation and kept themselves busy singing, dancing and playing. My favorite though is the child who licked the table all around the marshmallow but never touched the marshmallow. I guarantee you that each child has to find her own way to pass the time.

Patience doesn’t come from waiting; waiting is torture. Teaching patience-by-waiting is like trying to diet by starving yourself. Waiting is an empty vacuum that must be filled with something. I believe your child learns patience in two ways: 1. learning that the payoff will absolutely be there after the wait (predictability); and 2. knowing how to fill the time (practice). Your child learns patience from creativity, problem solving, and perseverance.