Family Time

One Word for 2009

2008-12-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

With 2009 ticking closer, we imagine fresh possibilities and renew promises to ourselves and our families. Last year at this time I wrote about setting an intention instead of making a New Year's resolution. Parenting resolutions seem to be planted in guilt and irrational perfectionism – if only you never got angry, never over-reacted, were always patient, always happy. Then, reality takes over and you find yourself screaming about lost shoes, grumbling about short attention spans and dreading yet-another-dinner to cook.

I still believe in Jean Illsley Clarke’s “developmental affirmations” that I use in Mommy & Me classes every year. But this year I want to share Christine Kane’s “resolutionary” alternative to new year’s resolutions. I attended Christine’s Big Dreams Retreat in November and recommend it to women and mothers everywhere. Christine’s New Year's idea is to choose one word that gives voice to your heart's dreams and guide your actions.

Here are some words from Christine’s list: Effortlessness, Gratitude, Creativity, Kindness, Acceptance, Courage, Confidence, Self-Love, Forgiveness, Trust, Patience, Fun, Grace, Laughter, Love, Adventure, Openness, Discipline, Gentleness, Attention, Ritual, Order, No,

Yes.

A complete list of Christine’s “words” can be found in her January 2008 post and the power of those words in women's lives can be read in the December posts at christinekane.com/blog. The beauty of one word is that doesn’t scold you when you fall off the wagon. It bubbles up fresh every time. Are my actions and choices aligned with my word? Yes or No, adjust accordingly.

Hold your word close in 2009. Start the day saying your word. It is your talisman steering you on your parenting journey. If you’re satisfied that your one word has served you well, Christine says choose a second one but wait until June to realize all the ways your intention will shape and influence your life.

I picked my word for 2009 – it’s connections. I’ve always been an advocate for relationship-based learning for children where emotional connections are the foundation of all learning. I’ve believed that parents deserve support based on their strengths without being judged or criticized for mistakes (that trust is the foundation of change). Now, I want to remind myself that my purpose in writing, coaching, speaking and teaching is to honor essential relationships and to create new connections in 2009. I hope to be blogging more and to participate more fully in the on-line parenting community. Hope you'll be part of my big-dream for 2009!

Happy New Year to you! May it be a year with more joy and more love for you and your family.

Birth Order

2008-11-04T14:32:00.001-08:00

Birth order does not define who and what your child will be in this world. It does help you to understand how family relationships and parenting attitudes influence individual children. Parents have a choice. It’s true first time moms are rarely as laid back as third time moms, unless they were third-borns themselves that is. But awareness helps create balance. A first time parent’s desire to be the best possible parent and rearrange all other priorities around her child’s immediate needs can be tempered. The exhausted mom of four can insist on reasonable expectations for the “baby” of the family and enforce consequences.

You’ve heard the stereotypes before:

First-borns are driven to succeed. Yes, that’s Oprah and the majority of US presidents. First-borns enjoy competition because they expect to win – heck, they had years of practice making up the game rules in their favor with younger siblings.

Middle-borns are great team players and become exceptional managers and leaders. They may also struggle to define their uniqueness because they are so often compared to older and younger siblings. Of course if the older sibling is a different gender, then the middle child still has a unique position as the first boy or first girl.

The last-born is the fun-loving charmer who learned how to sweet talk or cajole to get his way. They gravitate to attention and the limelight but, unfortunately, may not be taken seriously even when they are grown parents themselves.

For a more complete list of birth order traits, read Birth Order from the Child Development Institute. Birth order dynamics are shaped by your family – parents and siblings.

Consider how your position in your childhood family influences who you are today?
Who did you marry? A person in the same birth position as you or the opposite?
How does your birth order affect your parenting style? Are you serious or carefree, a perfectionist or accommodating, organized or messy?

Read this bulletin on Birth Order to “make birth order work” for you by trying some important adaptations. For example:

Work on saying no (first-born)
Share the applause (last-born)
Enjoy your uniqueness (middle-born)
Exercise extreme caution when expecting too much of yourself (only child)
Beware of being too independent – don’t blame others for your situation (last-born)
Never apologize for being conscientious and over-organized (first-born)

Most importantly, become aware of how your attitude and expectations shape your child’s self-perception. Read this month’s Family Time e-newsletter to learn effective parenting strategies for all your children.

Silent Strength

2008-10-14T07:32:00.000-07:00

Many of you who follow my column at Examiner.com know that I found a new-favorite blog/vlog at EarofMyHeart.com. I highly recommend taking some time to read LaRonda Zupp's wealth of insight and resources. On my last visit to the site, I discovered a post about a beautiful book called The Great Silent Grandmother Gathering - and the power of women standing silently in a park "when the news is bad and many people feel powerless". You can read more about the book at the grandmotherbook.com.

These are definitely bad-news-times. So instead of giving in to fear and despair, it helps to be reminded of the power of silence. And the power of hope.

Parents may be nervous about finances...

what if you can't give your children everything they want?

what if you have to cut back on programs and activities?

what if you're working harder for less?

Take a deep breath. Your children want lots of things but need very few. Mostly they need the security of love and attentive listening. They need the quiet strength of a family who stands together through challenges and joy.

Potty Training Tips Update

2008-10-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

Potty training questions are never-ending. New questions arise because your child is not like any other child you know. Something changes after months of success. Potty training is a process of learning and revising.

We can always find the perfect strategy, a silly game or a better routine to custom-fit your child's individual curiosity, personal needs or quirky behavior. The Potty Training Answer Book and The Playskool Guide to Potty Training have lots of practical and personal suggestions. Now, you'll also find two helpful Potty Training "lists" on a fantastic new website called Tibesti.com: The Best Potty Training Children's Books and The Best Potty Training Accessories.

Hope these add to your potty training fun and make the process less stressful for you and your child.

Positive Discipline

2008-10-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Positive discipline is helping your child learn right from wrong (or to make good choices) using the most effective communication and teaching tools at your disposal. Positive discipline works as long as you don’t expect your child to “get it” once and forever. Children don’t “get it” the first time, or even the hundredth; it’s developmentally impossible. That’s when parents panic and they start grasping at false alternatives like someone flailing away as they sink deeper and deeper into quicksand.

The on-going challenge is believing you can teach essential life skills even when you won’t see the results for years to come. Effective discipline always requires clarity and trust. You must be clear about your goals and your actions even when faced with overwhelming uncertainty and guilt. You must guide your child through nerve-racking situations to help your child grow into a likeable, thoughtful, moral person. And you must trust your ability to lead - no matter what.

The two defining questions behind effective discipline are:

what are you trying to teach, and
what guidance works with your child in this situation at this particular stage of development?

Your answer to the first question is your go-to-thought that anchors each and every discipline action. For example, if your child kicks the dog, you want to teach compassion, gentleness, or other ways of expressing frustration. If your child continually protests bedtime, you may want to teach respect for rules, calming strategies, or the ability to know how much is enough (enough excitement – time to rest). Knowing what’s important helps to define your teaching strategy.

Of course, it takes practice to learn what works and doesn’t work with one particular child or at a particularly challenging stage, especially the child who is your mother’s revenge. My “Daddy Discipline” article includes the following no-fail discipline basics. These 5 strategies works ALL THE TIME even if your child doesn’t “get it” until he’s a parent himself.

Mean what you say.
Say what you mean.
Stay three steps of the situation.
If your child is "testing", shut it done quickly.
Keep your sense of humor.

I promise - by the time you're a grandparent, you'll have all the answers!

Rosh Hashanah 2008

2008-09-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year to Rosh Hashanah celebrating families! Parents have much to reflect upon as a new year begins...personal joys, day-to-day wonders, everyday mistakes. Take time to see your strengths and your shortcomings as they are - part of the deal of being an authentic, feeling, growing person. Renew your commitment to yourself, to your children, your family and our world. Celebrate all of your blessings!

I wish you and your families a happy and sweet new year! And here's a fun video from YouTube called Sticky 'n Sweet New Year...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1s4iwrc2Rw

"Scream-Free Parenting": a new book by Hal Kunkel

2008-08-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve always believed that if you spend enough time with kids, you understand completely how grown-ups lose it. “Professionals” however, like teachers, coaches, and school bus drivers, are and should be trained not to impulsively react to kid’s behavior. They learn to take a step back emotionally and “do the right thing”. Parenting is more complicated because it’s personal. Parents are emotionally vested in how their children turn out. They also know they are (for better and worse) responsible and accountable for their children’s behavior. So parents are not always cool-headed and objective. I think that’s good too because children need intimate, authentic relationships with genuine, feeling human beings in order to grow.

What children need most is not a “professional” parent; they need a parent who can learn and teach the emotional stuff day-in and day-out for eighteen years or longer. Children need families to learn how to become think and feel and live together with other people. Children need homes to feel safe and loved when they do the “right thing” and when they make abominable mistakes. Parents who make mistakes are often the best teachers, as long as they are willing to learn a better way.

Hal Runkel’s book, Screamfree Parenting, helps parents “focus on themselves; calm themselves down; and grow themselves up”. It’s a wonderful reminder that changing the way you react in volatile situations is the only way to bring about “new patterns of connection and cooperation” in your family. This book isn’t just for “screamers”; it’s for everyone who overreacts in the everyday dramas of living with kids. Runkel includes everyone who struggles with ineffective reactions like withdrawing from conflict, overcompensating for children’s choices, giving up and giving in.

Runkel suggests that screaming, threatening, belittling, and giving in are ways parents de-value themselves. The book is full of short inspirational reminders you can write on post its and stick on the bathroom mirror or slip into your pocket on busy days. I’ll leave you with two immediate suggestions from Runkel: “create a pause” (page 48) and “don’t pick up the gauntlet” (page 99). Runkel makes the plea for self-respect first. Start by getting calm (then we can talk about making the most of consequences and constructive communication).

Every Kind of Smart

2008-07-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite parts of teaching is watching children play, really play. I want to know: will a child approach a new activity eagerly or cautiously; will he go to his favorite spot in the classroom or will his curiosity pull him in a new direction; or, how will she stretch ideas and actions to create personal knowledge? I believe I must earn your child’s trust before I try to “teach” whatever might be in my plans for the day. I need to be invited into your child’s world before I can show her something new, explain how something works, or share what’s exciting to me. Children need caring adults to open all the doors and windows to learning. But, each child decides when to open his eyes and his heart to what’s there.

Sometimes, parents can feel enormous responsibility and overwhelming pressure to teach everything. And teach it fast because there’s so much more to know. I’m writing today to say, “You can relax”, because you can’t go faster than your child. Learning takes time. Most of all, it takes respect for the individuality of each child. And, as Howard Gardner reminds us, there are many kinds of smart. Howard Gardner, long-time researcher at Harvard’s Project Zero, recognizes at least nine “intelligences” – ways of knowing and problem solving: Linguistic, Logical-Mathematical, Spatial, Bodily-Kinesthetic, Musical, Interpersonal (social), Intra-personal (self), Naturalist, and Existential (spiritual). You are a better able to help your child understand feelings, choices, people, problems and solutions when you start with your child’s strongest skills and abilities.

This month’s Family Time newsletter describes ways to build on your child’s strengths. Just remember, your child’s strongest area may be different than your own. In which case, just like good teachers everywhere, you’ll need to adapt your presentation to connect with your child’s most powerful curiosity and deepest interests. When you do, your child’s learning is unstoppable.

Peace Education

2008-06-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

With the book on the New York Times Best Sellers List for 69 weeks, I may be the last person to read Three Cups of Tea: One Man’s Mission to Promote Peace….One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson ad David Oliver Relin. Yes, the book has been on my “to-read list” forever but I never heard the kind of buzz I heard for Eat, Pray, Love. Just in case you haven’t already been urged to read this book, let me say it right now – read this book as soon as you can!

If you’ve ever been overwhelmed by the seemingly monumental problems in the world and by discouraging setbacks of trying to live right…

If you desperately search for a get-dirty-and-exhausted real-life hero…

If you wonder about raising children in a world that’s lost essential kindness…

The story of Greg Mortenson from mountain climber to humanitarian will give you hope. This little book will change your assumptions about other cultures. It also reminds you that hardship and doubt are part of meaningful choices. Finally, you rediscover your belief in individuals who live lives of truth, honor, and compassion.

We aren’t all meant to be Greg Mortensons. At least I’m not ready to leave the comforts of home. But I recognize in Greg Mortenson certain social-emotional skills that make great things possible – I want to learn some of those. And I want to teach those to our children at a time when we believe we’re too busy to hang around for that third cup of tea. Too busy to linger, to listen, or to care.

Peace education is not something to be added onto ridiculously burdened skill-lists or to jam-packed curricula; peace education is the daily practice of seeing other people’s points of view, respecting differences, generously extending the benefit of the doubt to sometimes hurtful situations, and searching for compassionate choices instead of defensive over-reaction. Mortenson shows all of us how to effect positive change through relationship-building. As you read this book, imagine all the ways it can make us better parents and teachers.

Waiting for…Patience

2008-05-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

I’m happy to report that I’ve turned in the new book, The Entitlement-Free Child, to the publisher!!! It feels great to be finished. I only wish the book could be on the market for December holidays but the publisher says it’s scheduled for a 2009 release date (I’ll hope anyway).

The topic for today comes from something I came across while scanning the internet for “the marshmallow test”. Some of you might remember the reference to the Stanford study on delayed gratification from the Family Time January Newsletter link to Daniel Goleman’s blog. The “marshmallow test” placed a marshmallow on the table in front of a four-year-old child who was told he could eat the marshmallow now but, if he waited twenty minutes for the researcher return, he would get two marshmallows. The study showed that the children with self-control were happier and more successful up to ten years later.

Without having read all the details of the study, I recently found descriptions of what the children did while waiting for that second marshmallow. To my mind, these are far more telling about how children learn to wait than the image of patient children passing the time in some constructive, adult-like way. These are four-year-olds after all. Take a minute, before reading further, to imagine what your child does to pass time in challenging situations.

The children in the study were wonderfully creative. Some covered their eyes not to be tempted. Others stared at their marshmallow to make sure they didn’t lose the marshmallow they already had. Some moved away from the temptation and kept themselves busy singing, dancing and playing. My favorite though is the child who licked the table all around the marshmallow but never touched the marshmallow. I guarantee you that each child has to find her own way to pass the time.

Patience doesn’t come from waiting; waiting is torture. Teaching patience-by-waiting is like trying to diet by starving yourself. Waiting is an empty vacuum that must be filled with something. I believe your child learns patience in two ways: 1. learning that the payoff will absolutely be there after the wait (predictability); and 2. knowing how to fill the time (practice). Your child learns patience from creativity, problem solving, and perseverance.

The Power of "NO"

2008-03-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

“NO” is your parent-prerogative to make a good choice on behalf of your child. Your child can’t always predict the outcome of his choices – two pieces of cake will give him a tummy ache; postponing bedtime makes him crankier; and toys left around the house get lost. Rules can guide your child to make better choices. Choose rules that fit your child and your family, knowing that different homes have different needs and priorities.

The particular rule doesn’t matter. For example, the rules in my classroom may be different than another teacher’s rules. What matters is that your child learns there are a few reasonable limits on her behavior. She can’t always get what she wants but, with your guidance, she will always get what she needs.

Children need limits until they have the maturity to evaluate all the aspects of a situation. The need limits to learn restraint when they want to lash out in anger or frustration. The need limits to learn how much is enough. They need limits to stop from hurting other people and from destructive actions. Limits create a safety cushion around your child until the time when your child can make independent choices.

Your child is depending on you using your power on his behalf. He believes you know everything and can do anything. Respect the power of being a parent and you will make great choices.

The Entitlement-free Child

2008-03-04T17:55:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone,

Some of you have asked where's the February newsletter. I'm so happy you missed it. But I've been so busy writing the new book, The Entitlement-Free Child, that I didn't send a newsletter last week. I'm half way through the book - good thing because it's due to the publisher May 1st! I'm already planning a new parenting series based on Entitlement-Free for the Fall. I can't wait to share all the new info and strategies with you!..

Here's one of my favorite lines from last week's writing. For the parent who says "I love you" in discipline situations, hoping your child will never question your love...

Your love is deep and ongoing. Of course, your child should participate in daily "love rituals" that create a sense of security and unconditional love. Buuuuut, your child is not a love-munching machine that must be fed incessantly like a broken parking meter. Allow your child to learn to trust you - to trust that you truly act on her behalf.

Happy Children

2008-02-02T06:24:00.000-08:00

Whenever I’ve asked parents what they want for their children, the most frequent answer is “I want my child to be happy.” As I’m writing the new book, The Entitlement-Free Child, I realize how that simple goal can lead parents on an impossible mission.

You cannot “make” your child happy all the time. Happy is not a permanent state. It’s unrealistic to believe your child will b e happy all the time. One emotion cannot sustain your child in all of life’s various situations. You would never want your child “happy” when he sees his friend trip and fall. You would never want your child pretending to be “happy” in the hospital or at a funeral (please see the article How to Say Goodbye to a Goldfish on this website for more discussion on children and funerals).

You do want your child to feel safe and secure in any situation. Your child needs to know that emotions aren’t scary things whether they are his own emotions or the emotions of other people. From infancy to adulthood, your child’s emotional life grows and changes. Babies learn they are loved and lovable. They learn to trust and enjoy the world. They also learn to conquer frustration learning to crawl, walk, and speak. They learn through patience that people will come through for them tomorrow, or a week later. They learn that mommy and daddy still love them after new babies arrive at home or at the end of a very difficult day.

Your child learns emotional stability through ordinary daily challenges. He learns that things get better – boo boo’s heal and so do hurt feelings. People make mistakes and then make them right. Imagine, instead of having to spin your child in a protective cocoon of perfect happiness, you can give your child a life-vest that will keep him afloat in sunshine and in storms.

A New Year's Intention instead of a Resolution

2007-12-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

Here it comes – 2008 is knocking at the door - and like good parents all across the country you resolve to be a better parent. No more yelling. No more begging and bribing. No more hate-yourself-in-the-morning mistakes. Of course, I want you to grow as a parent. I want you to enjoy your children and savor the joys of raising children. But I also know there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

One of my favorite lines from the Parenting Quick Tips CD is: Perfect parents do not raise perfect children; they raise children who feel not good enough. It’s time to give up that notion of being a perfect parent. It never worked anyway.

Before this New Year gets one second closer, choose instead a new intention that will guide your heart without adding enormous stress to your family life. An intention is a wonderful reminder of where and how you want to focus your energy. It isn’t an attempt to change you – rather, like that old bumper sticker, it lets U B U! It also carries an essential underlying message that you are enough and don’t need to be changed!

Parenting can be an expression of “what you are” instead of “what you think you should be”. When you start the day or when you’re faced with one of those stressful parenting moments, ask yourself: what’s my intention? You also have the freedom change your intention to fit different needs and different situations. If yesterday was extraordinarily busy, your intention today might be to take it slow. If you’re feeling the financially or emotionally depleted after the holidays, you might want to recharge with old friends or in nature.

NASCAR recommends drivers look where they are going – never at the wall! Your car will go where you are looking. Your children will too!

Are We Having Fun Yet?

2007-10-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

What part of your day with your children is your favorite time? Yes, besides seeing them sleeping soundly safely tucked in for the night! Parenting is a lot of work but it’s also a lot of fun. It’s easy to miss the fun while you are busy being a good parent. But, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, childhood is too important to be taken seriously. Childhood without fun – Baa Humbug!

Of course I want you to take people-raising seriously. The next generation is in your hands and in your hearts. Yes, it’s good to think before you react, to not have temper tantrums when your child does, and to make parenting decisions based on your personal values not someone else’s. But, watch out for too-serious parenting.

There’s a reason why children love reading about Mary Poppins – she can sing, dance, and work a little magic whether she’s tackling homework or giving out a dose of medicine. So, here’s a few parenting suggestions straight from Mary Poppins!

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Avoid power struggles by sweetening difficult tasks. Make clean-up a game. Whistle your way through dreadful chores.

Let's go fly a kite. Get outside every day. Build something together. Run with the wind.

Feed the birds. Make it part of your routine to be kind to animals and help others. Children can be powerful caretakers of small creatures.

Chim Chim Cher-ee. Honor all those people who do the “dirty” work. Introduce yourself! Make garbage day a weekly celebration at your house.

Step in Time. It’s hard to be serious when you’re kickin’ your knees up and flappin’ like a birdie. Children need to blow off steam and to channel excess energy before it drives you crazy. Unschedule a few activities and get silly.

Love to Laugh. Snort! Giggle! Guffaw! Don’t let a day go by without a belly laugh or some cheeky chuckles. What’s funny to children? Slapstick, silly words, and, yes, underwear.

Fly! Most important of all, your children want to see you fly – with or without a magic umbrella. And you can because you are mom and dad, the most magical creatures on earth. In your child’s eyes, you can do anything. You can be anything. Start as a parent with two feet planted firmly on the ground, then…stretch, leap, soar!

Early Intervention

2007-09-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

The world of early intervention services has changed considerably over the last few decades. Twenty years ago educators and therapists were looking to reach younger children and they promoted the advantages of early identification for three, four, and five year olds. We also saw the miraculous benefits of working with infants born prematurely or in high-risk deliveries. But, at least in my experience, we were fairly casual about referring one and two year olds for speech therapy and we certainly did not have the information we do today about the autism spectrum.

To paraphrase the words of Dr. Michelle Larocque, professor at Florida Atlantic University and consultant to B’nai Torah Early Childhood….

with early identification of toddlers, we can rewire children’s brains!

The world is changing. There was a time when a baby born at one pound could not expect the same opportunities as a baby carried to full term. Today, the same is true for children with a wide range of developmental differences. With new information and natural-setting therapies, very young children can participate in stress-free sessions that will lead to significant improvements.

So, for all of us – educators, pediatricians, concerned family and friends – who believe in the power of time and development, it’s time to rethink our response to parent’s questions about “is my child where he should be?” Development is individual and usually one area of development exceeds another area (an early talker may be a late walker). But with resources available today, we have an obligation to be informed about earlier identification and earlier support services.

I only ask that we all find a responsible way to offer support without creating a new hysteria. With new media attention and last week’s Oprah show with Jenny McCarthy, http://www2.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200709/tows_past_20070918.jhtml?promocode=HP31 it’s understandable that the perennial fear “is my child normal?” gets ratcheted up a few notches. And the cliché “a little information is dangerous” is true as I hear stories of quasi-professionals making “diagnoses” that are inaccurate and inappropriate.

We all need to learn more and we need to temper knowledge with compassion and respect. For more information, see http://www.autismspeaks.org/

Play, Read, & Sing (Judaic Recommendations)

2007-08-28T18:03:00.001-07:00

This week I want to say a special “thank you” to Libby Minsky, the owner of Chai Kids. I just placed my new order for Judaic classroom supplies and I am reminded of how wonderful Libby has been since my first order four years ago. I have loved learning Jewish traditions and planning child-centered activities for the classroom. At the same time, I appreciate Libby’s interest and encouragement. Libby has a way of always celebrating my curiosity.

And so, for all those parents who are learning or re-learning Jewish traditions, I invite you to learn as I did – first, by immersion in the robust world of children’s music where the essential concepts of Jewish values and practices sing their way into your understanding; and second, by “playing” with your child until Jewish practices begin to feel natural. You’ll discover an ever-evolving comfort with Judaism.

Visit Libby’s website for a great selection of music, books and toys: http://www.chaikids.com/. Years ago, Libby told me I had to buy Andi Joseph’s CD I’ve Got a Shabbat Feeling and she was right. You’ll be singing “Twinkle Kochavim” and “The Dinosaur Song” after one listen. For music with the perfect balance of depth and simplicity, buy Judy Caplan Ginsberg’s CD’s. Every one of these CD’s is excellent. Don’t miss “Shema Lullaby” on the Amazing Kids CD to incorporate into your bedtime routines. Speaking of bedtime, my favorite first books are Good Night, Lilah Tov and Good Morning, Boker Tov. And be sure to check out the wooden toy sets for Shabbat, Rosh Hoshanah, and Chanukah.

I can’t wait to see the new books and toys I ordered. Surround your children with the things you value. Immerse your children in a world that celebrates who you are and what you believe. And remember to thank the people who help us to grow and learn. Todah Rabah!

Charlie and the Piñata

2007-07-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

As parents, you want the very best for your children. You want to protect your children from mistakes, yours and theirs. You want to protect your children from hurt and from harm. And, if you had a crystal ball, you could know in advance the outcome of every decision you ever make. But that’s not how it is. And that’s not how it should be.

A grandparent told me a story about her son, the dad of two year old Charlie. Dad planned a wonderful birthday party – one of those perfect family occasions of love and memory-making – with games and celebration. Dad imagined all the fun that Charlie would have, especially the excitement of breaking the piñata. The family prepared for the big day. Charlie learned the name for this new birthday surprise – piñata. He played with the piñata all week long. The day of the party arrived and the children gathered to break the piñata.

Imagine Charlie’s horror to see all the children whacking what looked like a lovable horsy. Charlie screamed and shook in terror. Dad felt like he had just set his son up to witness the most incomprehensible act of torture and violence. There were no words to undo what Charlie was thinking but Dad did his best to soothe and comfort and explain.

Dads need hugs too. And all dads should have understanding wives, supportive grandparents, and the ability to forgive themselves for their shortcomings and imperfections. I’m sorry Charlie was sad and confused. I’m sorry Charlie hurt. But I’m also glad that dad was touched so deeply by this experience. He earned a parenting badge of courage on this day - the courage to feel with his son and to feel the kind of regret that only a parent knows.

Good parents are not those who never make mistakes. Good parents are those who find a way to live with the mistakes. Congratulations to Charlie’s dad. You’re a good father.

Pocketful of Tricks

2007-07-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

If you’re lucky enough to go to Mommy & Me or Baby & Me classes, you hear dozens of new rhymes, songs, and games each week. Except what happens in class should not stay in class. Your child wants to be singing and dancing his way through every day with the people who love him full-time, all-the-time. And so, this is your reminder to pick a few of your favorite rhymes, songs, and games and add them to your baby-play repertoire on a regular basis.

Here are a few of my favorites for you to try this week:

This first one works great while waiting in lines and whenever you need your child to slow down and possibly pay attention to you.

Garden Snail Palm Rhyme
Hold your child’s hand palm up and draw circles with your finger…
Slowly, slowly, very slowly, creeps the garden snail.
Draw circles with your finger as you “walk” up your child’s arm…
Slowly, slowly, very slowly up the wooden rail.
Then repeat movements this time fast and crazy…
Quickly, quickly, very quickly, runs the little mouse.
Finish with a wild tickle…
Quickly, quickly, very quickly, all around the house!

This next one works wonders with a fussy baby because of those 72,000 nerve endings in your baby’s feet.

Shoe a Little Horse Foot Rhyme
Start by making small circles on the heel of your baby’s foot with your thumb…
Shoe a little horse.
Make long strokes from the heel to the ball of baby’s foot with your index finger…
Shoe a little mare.
Then, gently pull each of baby’s toes…
But let a little colt go bare, bare, bare!

Here’s one that turns you into the perfect magician for toddlers!

Magic Hat Game
You need a large hat that can hold a dozen plastic ping pong balls while on your head.
Show the children the balls in the hat. “Do you see the balls? Are they in my hat?”
Put the hat with balls on your head without spilling the balls. “Watch, its magic!
Be very dramatic wearing the hat, asking and pointing to the hat. “Where are the balls?
Feel free to prompt younger children. “Are they in my hat?”
Build to the grand finale! “Say, come out balls! 1, 2, 3, Abracadabra! Come out balls!”
Go for the explosion! Lift the hat off so the balls go flying around the room.
Tell the children to go get all the balls and repeat endlessly.

I highly recommend the following link for the article, Music and Movement for Infants and Toddlers: Naturally Wonder-full, by John M. Feierabend: http://www.giamusic.com/music_education/feierabend/articles/infants.cfm
I also recommend the following books:
· Baby Games, by Elaine Martin
· Tapping and Clapping, by John Feierabend
· Tickle My Nose and Other Action Rhymes, by Kaye Umansky
· Wonderplay, from the 92nd St. Y Parenting Center

Time to be Wild

2007-07-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, an article in Mothering magazine speculated if children could act out age-appropriate aggression in pretend play, they may not resort to violence and aggressive grand-standing as adults. What if we gave up more than political incorrectness when children turned in their toy-guns? What if something essential was added to emotional and social development when children ran around fighting good and evil – cops and robbers, Cowboys and Indians, loud scary monsters chasing innocent screaming children.

Allowing outlets for wild play only works with clear rules about not hurting other children. Adults must believe they are capable and resourceful enough to contain mayhem. Adults create safe boundaries when they check in on children’s spontaneous play – children make pretty good decisions when they believe parents see, hear, and know everything. But children are not miniature adults. So, when a child blasts another child in pretend play, it does not conform to the same rationale or consequences as adult behavior. Children pretend to be strong and they pretend to die a thousand deaths. Children are learning about personal and social power. Unfortunately, parents may be living in a world where they fear random acts of violence and possibly feel a sense of powerlessness in the world-at-large.

Children need to roar sometimes. And parents need to carve out time and space for child’s play, Childhood is a magical place but it is also a scary place where children are learning to live in a world that gets bigger with each year. Children feel isolation every time they are scolded but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be scolded. Children fear abandonment with each step of independence but like Hansel and Gretel we encourage them to leave a trail of breadcrumbs so we can find them. Children feel the unfairness of not getting their way but we still guide them to be thoughtful and considerate. Pretend play is the pressure valve on childhood. It blows off steam when adult logic feels oppressive regardless of how necessary.

I respect the right of each parent to ban toy-weapons in homes and in schools. But even if you do, I suspect that many of you will still find your child inventing finger-guns and stick-sabers. Parents teach right and wrong. Children learn exactly what that means by playing on both sides.

Outside Over There

2007-07-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

As I was looking through my library yesterday for children’s books on sibling issues, I came across one of my favorite books that is still as remarkable today as it was when it was published in1981. The book is Outside Over There by Maurice Sendak. Thinking I would write this blog on strong female characters in children’s books, I went to Amazon to check if Outside Over There was still in print. It is - but I also found an interesting assortment of “comments” about the book.

In my opinion, the book is pure poetry with the deep emotional truth of a classic fairy tale with a fearless female main character who saves her baby sister. I believe Outside Over There has the same emotional power for older preschoolers as Where the Wild Things Are, also by Maurice Sendak. Both books take children on an inner journey through challenging emotional situations of abandonment and powerlessness.

Bruno Bettelheim wrote about the emotional power of fairy tales in his book The Uses of Enchantment claiming that fairy tales capture the emotional struggles of each stage of development and that classic storytelling allows children to experience what cannot be expressed in rational thought. In the story of Outside Over There, the developmental issues might be: the wish to “lose” a sibling, the desire to “save the day”, the belief that parallel realities of good and evil coexist in the sometimes very confusing world of childhood. All of this occurs in the magic of thirty short pages. But the ending is as hopeful and resolute as “and it was still hot”, the perfect ending of Where the Wild Things Are that reassures every disobedient child that she is loved and cared for no matter what.

The “comments” section on Amazon, however, showed me that not everyone would agree. Some parent readers found Outside Over There “creepy”. In a world of Disney images, I urge parents and children story tellers to stretch beyond one-dimensional stories. Try a book like Outside Over There and watch how your child reacts. Is your child engaged by the pictures or the language? Does your child want to revisit the book or the story? Watch your child’s body language – when a child hears a story that ties into his emotional world, you will see it in his body. Your child will tell you which books meet his developmental needs.

For a great list of children’s books, check out www.turnthepage.com.

Water Safety

2007-06-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

Summer is here and children are playing in and around water. As a South Floridian, I know the precautions parents try to take to keep their children safe around pools and beaches. Parents can try to “water-proof” their children but there is absolutely no substitute for supervision.

The purpose of swimming and water safety classes for young children is enjoyment and skill. But remember, young children cannot be responsible for their own physical safety. It’s not their job. Take your child to water programs to encourage fun water experiences. Let your child enjoy being in water. Let your child enjoy the freedom and strength of her body as she frolics in the water. Your child may possibly learn some extremely useful safety techniques.

Be very careful - swimming and water safety programs frequently give parents and caregivers a false sense of security. Young children are notorious for making poor decisions, for over–estimating abilities and super-powers, and for under-estimating risks.

A typical example is this story from a mom of two-year-old and four-year-old boys. The boys “knew” the rules: no one is allowed in the pool without a grown-up. The pool was fenced and locked when the boys happen to be playing ball in the backyard. Mom was watching from the window to see just how this scenario would play out. The ball went over the fence into the pool. The two-year-old scaled the fence and was jumping into the pool to retrieve the ball. The four-year-old was following to “save” the two-year-old as he repeatedly scolded the two-year-old for breaking the rules. Mom had to “rescue” both boys.

The only thing worse than “no supervision” is “too much” supervision. Statistics confirm that accidents frequently occur when multiple adults are poolside and everyone assumes that someone else is watching the children. A great solution to this problem is available from Safe Kids Worldwide. Go to www.usa.safekids.org/water to print out “water watcher badges”. The designated water supervisor wears this badge and may not leave the water area without finding another adult to be the full-time “water watcher”.

Have a safe and happy summer!

When Nothing is Something

2007-05-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

Summer is almost here and I want to strongly encourage you to do absolutely nothing!

Childhood, like a good episode of Seinfeld, ought to look like a lot of nothing. The problem is that nothing is really something and everything isn’t at all what you hoped it would be. If your child is like most children these days, he’s got too much of everything. And he is missing the joy and the wisdom that only comes from doing nothing. When your child is sitting around with a good share of nothing, I think he will discover the beat of his own heart. And when you and your child are sitting together doing nothing, your child knows he is the most special person on the planet because you choose to spend time with him.

I challenge you to pick a time every week, or possibly every day, to do nothing. This won’t be easy for some of you. So here, I’ll give you a few guidelines:

Doing nothing means stay rooted to anything you think or feel at this particular moment (watch a bug, smell the breeze, let your body feel heavy or let your body feel light – use your senses)
Doing nothing means be ready for spontaneous play (listen to any idea that pops into your head and say,”yes and…”
Doing nothing means your only priority is this moment – no interruptions, no practical distractions allowed

When you begin with nothing, you and your child write your own script, follow your own rules, and tease all possibilities out of hiding. Trust that this time of nothing is exactly what your child needs to learn, to love, and to grow. This time of nothing will broaden your child’s curiosity, your child’s imagination, your child’s resourcefulness, and your child’s confidence to be who he is and where he is.

So when I ask you next August, “what did you do on your summer vacation”, I hope you’ll say “nothing”.

A great find: Two weeks ago in mommy and me classes, we were talking about family vacations, travel tips and travel games. When I recommended colorforms™ because they are a perfect “seat game” and even stick on airplane windows, a mom mentioned they are really hard to find these days. Wouldn’t you know, I received an e-newsletter last week from Wondertime that also mentioned colorforms™ as a perfect travel game with a link to Amazon.com. There you go! I also recommend going to Wondertime.com and signing up for their email newsletter – The parent blogs by Catherine Newman and Rand Richards Cooper alone are worth it.

Dare to be yourself!

2007-05-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

With Mother’s Day approaching, I can’t help but wonder what it means to be a mother these days. Like so many other images surrounding us, motherhood seems more packaged than ever. Some ideal mother-image exists that captures the essential right-way to be a mom. Your child’s entire future hangs in the balance.

I’m sorry to say, I even preach it sometimes: the early years are a critical time for emotional attachment; family mealtimes are the mainstay of family communication; try to be calm when your child is pushing your buttons. Unfortunately, the messages when delivered by a “professional” can easily be heard as: know all the answers, be perfect, do it all. Mothers are oppressed by external standards. You get caught chasing the ideal - trying to be your “child’s first teacher” exposing your child to enriching experiences all the while building and guarding your child’s fragile self esteem in a treacherous world.

What image lurks in the back in your head as you read the following sentence? Good mothers are _______________________________________________. Patient, loving, and kind. Yes. Giving, fair, and resourceful. Yes. Is that enough? The list will haunt you because it is never-ending. And then, what about all those other things that mothers are – tired, rushed, frustrated and sometimes angry? Those are good mothers too. Those are real mothers having genuine relationships with children who have needs that are constantly changing all while being a woman who also has needs in a complex adult world.

And so, with all the choices that you face as mothers today, I ask you to make one. Dare to be yourself. Make motherhood fit you instead of trying to fit your very real three-dimensional self into a two-dimensional role. You are enough.

Especially in this world where appearances are often sold as the real deal, you are more than enough. Your child needs a person nearby if you want him to grow into a person. Your child needs to live in “real time” if you want her to think and feel and wonder. You will always want to do more and be better for your child. And you will, tomorrow. Today you are enough.

Stress

2007-04-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

Everything I hear and see suggests that mothers today are more stressed than ever before. A survey on the Today Show compared whether mothers today have it easier or harder than the last generation of mothers. In many ways, mothers today have it easier, particularly when it comes to hands-on dads, innovative career options, and technological advantages that create new work opportunities, parenting resources, and connections to like-minded parents. The other news from that survey mirrored what mothers say in our mommy & me classes. Some 95% claimed that mothers today are more stressed than their mothers.

Is the world today is more stressful? Maybe. But hardship is not new to this generation. I think ambiguity is. Is the world more violent or is it a different kind of violence? There appears to be more fear and more uncertainty – more things beyond a parent’s control.

Problem is I also know that children need to believe that the adults around them can and will protect them. Children deserve safe childhoods surrounded by loving adults who have time to nurture, teach and enjoy them. In 1999, family/work researcher Ellen Galinsky confirmed that what children want from their parents is time and they “wish” that parents would be less stressed. Children see and feel the stress of living in overdrive.

We must stare down the fear of living in uncertain times. Make a list of everything you can “control” in family life. Start small with age-appropriate routines: bedtimes, family stories, and maybe a media-free night. Create a family life that is insulated from the stress of the external world. Children need to believe their families are safe sanctuaries where they can be themselves and be nurtured.

Childhood used to be a time of innocence. Reclaim it for your child with silliness and laughter. Your child knows the way. All you have to do is make the time to follow. Reclaim a small dose of innocence for yourself. That’s one thing your child is happy to share.

Doctor! Doctor!

2007-04-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

The theme this week in Mommy & Me class is “doctors”. Here’s a theme that works well both for the parents and for the children. The children’s activities involve pretend play and interacting with things you find in a doctor’s office. Even our youngest babies are crawling or laying on long sheets of white paper – good practice since so many little children feel vulnerable and out of control being “forced” to lie on that paper. A tray with 50 tongue depressors is fun exploration for those pre-pretend babies.

The toddlers and new two’s will sit around the dolls and teddy bears to play “doctor”. The parents and teachers get things rolling by checking for earaches and talking about that “cold stethoscope” listening to beating hearts and gurgling tummies. In no time, the children are checking one another and caretaking for the dolls. Familiarity and pretend play give children a sense of power and understanding for those sometimes scary doctor visits.

The best activity of all is our “My Doctor” books. You know I think photo books are the very best books in the world. They are personal and meaningful in a way that no store-bought book will ever be. Parents bring in pictures of their children with their pediatrician. The book is only four pages long: the first page with the photo says “my doctor keeps me well”; the second page has a picture of a stethoscope says “with a stethoscope” because I love hearing children trying to say “stethoscope”; the third page with a picture of a syringe says “and a syringe”; the last page you paste on a real band-aid says “and a band-aid for boo boos….All better now!” The book goes into your child’s book basket for your child to revisit again and again before and after doctor visits. Fears are a normal part of childhood but a book in hand makes a potential fear small and manageable.

The doctor theme is also extremely relevant for parents as they discuss how they choose a pediatrician. Every parent sets her own priority. What matters most to you? One pediatrician gives out a cell number while others work in large groups. Some have multiple offices so parents can get office help even when whole cities are without electricity after a hurricane. Some parents choose a pediatrician because of specialized training. Others choose those with a gentle bedside manner who is never condescending or in a hurry.

One of the most valuable lessons of discussing pediatricians among a group of parents is the discovery that there will be so many different answers to any one parenting question. Parents learn that they are active partners in medical choices beginning with the first choice of which doctor best matches their needs and their parenting style.