"Scream-Free Parenting": a new book by Hal Kunkel

I’ve always believed that if you spend enough time with kids, you understand completely how grown-ups lose it. “Professionals” however, like teachers, coaches, and school bus drivers, are and should be trained not to impulsively react to kid’s behavior. They learn to take a step back emotionally and “do the right thing”. Parenting is more complicated because it’s personal. Parents are emotionally vested in how their children turn out. They also know they are (for better and worse) responsible and accountable for their children’s behavior. So parents are not always cool-headed and objective. I think that’s good too because children need intimate, authentic relationships with genuine, feeling human beings in order to grow.

What children need most is not a “professional” parent; they need a parent who can learn and teach the emotional stuff day-in and day-out for eighteen years or longer. Children need families to learn how to become think and feel and live together with other people. Children need homes to feel safe and loved when they do the “right thing” and when they make abominable mistakes. Parents who make mistakes are often the best teachers, as long as they are willing to learn a better way.

Hal Runkel’s book, Screamfree Parenting, helps parents “focus on themselves; calm themselves down; and grow themselves up”. It’s a wonderful reminder that changing the way you react in volatile situations is the only way to bring about “new patterns of connection and cooperation” in your family. This book isn’t just for “screamers”; it’s for everyone who overreacts in the everyday dramas of living with kids. Runkel includes everyone who struggles with ineffective reactions like withdrawing from conflict, overcompensating for children’s choices, giving up and giving in.

Runkel suggests that screaming, threatening, belittling, and giving in are ways parents de-value themselves. The book is full of short inspirational reminders you can write on post its and stick on the bathroom mirror or slip into your pocket on busy days. I’ll leave you with two immediate suggestions from Runkel: “create a pause” (page 48) and “don’t pick up the gauntlet” (page 99). Runkel makes the plea for self-respect first. Start by getting calm (then we can talk about making the most of consequences and constructive communication).