One Word for 2009

With 2009 ticking closer, we imagine fresh possibilities and renew promises to ourselves and our families. Last year at this time I wrote about setting an intention instead of making a New Year's resolution. Parenting resolutions seem to be planted in guilt and irrational perfectionism – if only you never got angry, never over-reacted, were always patient, always happy. Then, reality takes over and you find yourself screaming about lost shoes, grumbling about short attention spans and dreading yet-another-dinner to cook.

I still believe in Jean Illsley Clarke’s “developmental affirmations” that I use in Mommy & Me classes every year. But this year I want to share Christine Kane’s “resolutionary” alternative to new year’s resolutions. I attended Christine’s Big Dreams Retreat in November and recommend it to women and mothers everywhere. Christine’s New Year's idea is to choose one word that gives voice to your heart's dreams and guide your actions.

Here are some words from Christine’s list: Effortlessness, Gratitude, Creativity, Kindness, Acceptance, Courage, Confidence, Self-Love, Forgiveness, Trust, Patience, Fun, Grace, Laughter, Love, Adventure, Openness, Discipline, Gentleness, Attention, Ritual, Order, No,

Yes.

A complete list of Christine’s “words” can be found in her January 2008 post and the power of those words in women's lives can be read in the December posts at christinekane.com/blog. The beauty of one word is that doesn’t scold you when you fall off the wagon. It bubbles up fresh every time. Are my actions and choices aligned with my word? Yes or No, adjust accordingly.

Hold your word close in 2009. Start the day saying your word. It is your talisman steering you on your parenting journey. If you’re satisfied that your one word has served you well, Christine says choose a second one but wait until June to realize all the ways your intention will shape and influence your life.

I picked my word for 2009 – it’s connections. I’ve always been an advocate for relationship-based learning for children where emotional connections are the foundation of all learning. I’ve believed that parents deserve support based on their strengths without being judged or criticized for mistakes (that trust is the foundation of change). Now, I want to remind myself that my purpose in writing, coaching, speaking and teaching is to honor essential relationships and to create new connections in 2009. I hope to be blogging more and to participate more fully in the on-line parenting community. Hope you'll be part of my big-dream for 2009!

Happy New Year to you! May it be a year with more joy and more love for you and your family.

Birth Order

Birth order does not define who and what your child will be in this world. It does help you to understand how family relationships and parenting attitudes influence individual children. Parents have a choice. It’s true first time moms are rarely as laid back as third time moms, unless they were third-borns themselves that is. But awareness helps create balance. A first time parent’s desire to be the best possible parent and rearrange all other priorities around her child’s immediate needs can be tempered. The exhausted mom of four can insist on reasonable expectations for the “baby” of the family and enforce consequences.

You’ve heard the stereotypes before:

First-borns are driven to succeed. Yes, that’s Oprah and the majority of US presidents. First-borns enjoy competition because they expect to win – heck, they had years of practice making up the game rules in their favor with younger siblings.

Middle-borns are great team players and become exceptional managers and leaders. They may also struggle to define their uniqueness because they are so often compared to older and younger siblings. Of course if the older sibling is a different gender, then the middle child still has a unique position as the first boy or first girl.

The last-born is the fun-loving charmer who learned how to sweet talk or cajole to get his way. They gravitate to attention and the limelight but, unfortunately, may not be taken seriously even when they are grown parents themselves.

For a more complete list of birth order traits, read Birth Order from the Child Development Institute. Birth order dynamics are shaped by your family – parents and siblings.

• Consider how your position in your childhood family influences who you are today?
• Who did you marry? A person in the same birth position as you or the opposite?
• How does your birth order affect your parenting style? Are you serious or carefree, a perfectionist or accommodating, organized or messy?

Read this bulletin on Birth Order to “make birth order work” for you by trying some important adaptations. For example:

• Work on saying no (first-born)
• Share the applause (last-born)
• Enjoy your uniqueness (middle-born)
• Exercise extreme caution when expecting too much of yourself (only child)
• Beware of being too independent – don’t blame others for your situation (last-born)
• Never apologize for being conscientious and over-organized (first-born)

Most importantly, become aware of how your attitude and expectations shape your child’s self-perception. Read this month’s Family Time e-newsletter to learn effective parenting strategies for all your children.

Silent Strength

Many of you who follow my column at Examiner.com know that I found a new-favorite blog/vlog at EarofMyHeart.com. I highly recommend taking some time to read LaRonda Zupp's wealth of insight and resources. On my last visit to the site, I discovered a post about a beautiful book called The Great Silent Grandmother Gathering - and the power of women standing silently in a park "when the news is bad and many people feel powerless". You can read more about the book at the grandmotherbook.com.

These are definitely bad-news-times. So instead of giving in to fear and despair, it helps to be reminded of the power of silence. And the power of hope.

Parents may be nervous about finances...

• what if you can't give your children everything they want?


• what if you have to cut back on programs and activities?


• what if you're working harder for less?

Take a deep breath. Your children want lots of things but need very few. Mostly they need the security of love and attentive listening. They need the quiet strength of a family who stands together through challenges and joy.

Potty Training Tips Update

Potty training questions are never-ending. New questions arise because your child is not like any other child you know. Something changes after months of success. Potty training is a process of learning and revising.

We can always find the perfect strategy, a silly game or a better routine to custom-fit your child's individual curiosity, personal needs or quirky behavior. The Potty Training Answer Book and The Playskool Guide to Potty Training have lots of practical and personal suggestions. Now, you'll also find two helpful Potty Training "lists" on a fantastic new website called Tibesti.com: The Best Potty Training Children's Books and The Best Potty Training Accessories.

Hope these add to your potty training fun and make the process less stressful for you and your child.

Positive Discipline

Positive discipline is helping your child learn right from wrong (or to make good choices) using the most effective communication and teaching tools at your disposal. Positive discipline works as long as you don’t expect your child to “get it” once and forever. Children don’t “get it” the first time, or even the hundredth; it’s developmentally impossible. That’s when parents panic and they start grasping at false alternatives like someone flailing away as they sink deeper and deeper into quicksand.

The on-going challenge is believing you can teach essential life skills even when you won’t see the results for years to come. Effective discipline always requires clarity and trust. You must be clear about your goals and your actions even when faced with overwhelming uncertainty and guilt. You must guide your child through nerve-racking situations to help your child grow into a likeable, thoughtful, moral person. And you must trust your ability to lead - no matter what.

The two defining questions behind effective discipline are:

1. what are you trying to teach, and
2. what guidance works with your child in this situation at this particular stage of development?

Your answer to the first question is your go-to-thought that anchors each and every discipline action. For example, if your child kicks the dog, you want to teach compassion, gentleness, or other ways of expressing frustration. If your child continually protests bedtime, you may want to teach respect for rules, calming strategies, or the ability to know how much is enough (enough excitement – time to rest). Knowing what’s important helps to define your teaching strategy.

Of course, it takes practice to learn what works and doesn’t work with one particular child or at a particularly challenging stage, especially the child who is your mother’s revenge. My “Daddy Discipline” article includes the following no-fail discipline basics. These 5 strategies works ALL THE TIME even if your child doesn’t “get it” until he’s a parent himself.

1. Mean what you say.
2. Say what you mean.
3. Stay three steps of the situation.
4. If your child is "testing", shut it done quickly.
5. Keep your sense of humor.

I promise - by the time you're a grandparent, you'll have all the answers!

Rosh Hashanah 2008

Happy New Year to Rosh Hashanah celebrating families! Parents have much to reflect upon as a new year begins...personal joys, day-to-day wonders, everyday mistakes. Take time to see your strengths and your shortcomings as they are - part of the deal of being an authentic, feeling, growing person. Renew your commitment to yourself, to your children, your family and our world. Celebrate all of your blessings!

I wish you and your families a happy and sweet new year! And here's a fun video from YouTube called Sticky 'n Sweet New Year...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1s4iwrc2Rw

"Scream-Free Parenting": a new book by Hal Kunkel

I’ve always believed that if you spend enough time with kids, you understand completely how grown-ups lose it. “Professionals” however, like teachers, coaches, and school bus drivers, are and should be trained not to impulsively react to kid’s behavior. They learn to take a step back emotionally and “do the right thing”. Parenting is more complicated because it’s personal. Parents are emotionally vested in how their children turn out. They also know they are (for better and worse) responsible and accountable for their children’s behavior. So parents are not always cool-headed and objective. I think that’s good too because children need intimate, authentic relationships with genuine, feeling human beings in order to grow.

What children need most is not a “professional” parent; they need a parent who can learn and teach the emotional stuff day-in and day-out for eighteen years or longer. Children need families to learn how to become think and feel and live together with other people. Children need homes to feel safe and loved when they do the “right thing” and when they make abominable mistakes. Parents who make mistakes are often the best teachers, as long as they are willing to learn a better way.

Hal Runkel’s book, Screamfree Parenting, helps parents “focus on themselves; calm themselves down; and grow themselves up”. It’s a wonderful reminder that changing the way you react in volatile situations is the only way to bring about “new patterns of connection and cooperation” in your family. This book isn’t just for “screamers”; it’s for everyone who overreacts in the everyday dramas of living with kids. Runkel includes everyone who struggles with ineffective reactions like withdrawing from conflict, overcompensating for children’s choices, giving up and giving in.

Runkel suggests that screaming, threatening, belittling, and giving in are ways parents de-value themselves. The book is full of short inspirational reminders you can write on post its and stick on the bathroom mirror or slip into your pocket on busy days. I’ll leave you with two immediate suggestions from Runkel: “create a pause” (page 48) and “don’t pick up the gauntlet” (page 99). Runkel makes the plea for self-respect first. Start by getting calm (then we can talk about making the most of consequences and constructive communication).

Every Kind of Smart

One of my favorite parts of teaching is watching children play, really play. I want to know: will a child approach a new activity eagerly or cautiously; will he go to his favorite spot in the classroom or will his curiosity pull him in a new direction; or, how will she stretch ideas and actions to create personal knowledge? I believe I must earn your child’s trust before I try to “teach” whatever might be in my plans for the day. I need to be invited into your child’s world before I can show her something new, explain how something works, or share what’s exciting to me. Children need caring adults to open all the doors and windows to learning. But, each child decides when to open his eyes and his heart to what’s there.

Sometimes, parents can feel enormous responsibility and overwhelming pressure to teach everything. And teach it fast because there’s so much more to know. I’m writing today to say, “You can relax”, because you can’t go faster than your child. Learning takes time. Most of all, it takes respect for the individuality of each child. And, as Howard Gardner reminds us, there are many kinds of smart. Howard Gardner, long-time researcher at Harvard’s Project Zero, recognizes at least nine “intelligences” – ways of knowing and problem solving: Linguistic, Logical-Mathematical, Spatial, Bodily-Kinesthetic, Musical, Interpersonal (social), Intra-personal (self), Naturalist, and Existential (spiritual). You are a better able to help your child understand feelings, choices, people, problems and solutions when you start with your child’s strongest skills and abilities.

This month’s Family Time newsletter describes ways to build on your child’s strengths. Just remember, your child’s strongest area may be different than your own. In which case, just like good teachers everywhere, you’ll need to adapt your presentation to connect with your child’s most powerful curiosity and deepest interests. When you do, your child’s learning is unstoppable.

Peace Education

With the book on the New York Times Best Sellers List for 69 weeks, I may be the last person to read Three Cups of Tea: One Man’s Mission to Promote Peace….One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson ad David Oliver Relin. Yes, the book has been on my “to-read list” forever but I never heard the kind of buzz I heard for Eat, Pray, Love. Just in case you haven’t already been urged to read this book, let me say it right now – read this book as soon as you can!

If you’ve ever been overwhelmed by the seemingly monumental problems in the world and by discouraging setbacks of trying to live right…

If you desperately search for a get-dirty-and-exhausted real-life hero…

If you wonder about raising children in a world that’s lost essential kindness…

The story of Greg Mortenson from mountain climber to humanitarian will give you hope. This little book will change your assumptions about other cultures. It also reminds you that hardship and doubt are part of meaningful choices. Finally, you rediscover your belief in individuals who live lives of truth, honor, and compassion.

We aren’t all meant to be Greg Mortensons. At least I’m not ready to leave the comforts of home. But I recognize in Greg Mortenson certain social-emotional skills that make great things possible – I want to learn some of those. And I want to teach those to our children at a time when we believe we’re too busy to hang around for that third cup of tea. Too busy to linger, to listen, or to care.

Peace education is not something to be added onto ridiculously burdened skill-lists or to jam-packed curricula; peace education is the daily practice of seeing other people’s points of view, respecting differences, generously extending the benefit of the doubt to sometimes hurtful situations, and searching for compassionate choices instead of defensive over-reaction. Mortenson shows all of us how to effect positive change through relationship-building. As you read this book, imagine all the ways it can make us better parents and teachers.

Waiting for…Patience

I’m happy to report that I’ve turned in the new book, The Entitlement-Free Child, to the publisher!!! It feels great to be finished. I only wish the book could be on the market for December holidays but the publisher says it’s scheduled for a 2009 release date (I’ll hope anyway).

The topic for today comes from something I came across while scanning the internet for “the marshmallow test”. Some of you might remember the reference to the Stanford study on delayed gratification from the Family Time January Newsletter link to Daniel Goleman’s blog. The “marshmallow test” placed a marshmallow on the table in front of a four-year-old child who was told he could eat the marshmallow now but, if he waited twenty minutes for the researcher return, he would get two marshmallows. The study showed that the children with self-control were happier and more successful up to ten years later.

Without having read all the details of the study, I recently found descriptions of what the children did while waiting for that second marshmallow. To my mind, these are far more telling about how children learn to wait than the image of patient children passing the time in some constructive, adult-like way. These are four-year-olds after all. Take a minute, before reading further, to imagine what your child does to pass time in challenging situations.

The children in the study were wonderfully creative. Some covered their eyes not to be tempted. Others stared at their marshmallow to make sure they didn’t lose the marshmallow they already had. Some moved away from the temptation and kept themselves busy singing, dancing and playing. My favorite though is the child who licked the table all around the marshmallow but never touched the marshmallow. I guarantee you that each child has to find her own way to pass the time.

Patience doesn’t come from waiting; waiting is torture. Teaching patience-by-waiting is like trying to diet by starving yourself. Waiting is an empty vacuum that must be filled with something. I believe your child learns patience in two ways: 1. learning that the payoff will absolutely be there after the wait (predictability); and 2. knowing how to fill the time (practice). Your child learns patience from creativity, problem solving, and perseverance.

The Power of "NO"

“NO” is your parent-prerogative to make a good choice on behalf of your child. Your child can’t always predict the outcome of his choices – two pieces of cake will give him a tummy ache; postponing bedtime makes him crankier; and toys left around the house get lost. Rules can guide your child to make better choices. Choose rules that fit your child and your family, knowing that different homes have different needs and priorities.

The particular rule doesn’t matter. For example, the rules in my classroom may be different than another teacher’s rules. What matters is that your child learns there are a few reasonable limits on her behavior. She can’t always get what she wants but, with your guidance, she will always get what she needs.

Children need limits until they have the maturity to evaluate all the aspects of a situation. The need limits to learn restraint when they want to lash out in anger or frustration. The need limits to learn how much is enough. They need limits to stop from hurting other people and from destructive actions. Limits create a safety cushion around your child until the time when your child can make independent choices.

Your child is depending on you using your power on his behalf. He believes you know everything and can do anything. Respect the power of being a parent and you will make great choices.

The Entitlement-free Child

Hello Everyone,

Some of you have asked where's the February newsletter. I'm so happy you missed it. But I've been so busy writing the new book, The Entitlement-Free Child, that I didn't send a newsletter last week. I'm half way through the book - good thing because it's due to the publisher May 1st! I'm already planning a new parenting series based on Entitlement-Free for the Fall. I can't wait to share all the new info and strategies with you!..

Here's one of my favorite lines from last week's writing. For the parent who says "I love you" in discipline situations, hoping your child will never question your love...

Your love is deep and ongoing. Of course, your child should participate in daily "love rituals" that create a sense of security and unconditional love. Buuuuut, your child is not a love-munching machine that must be fed incessantly like a broken parking meter. Allow your child to learn to trust you - to trust that you truly act on her behalf.

Happy Children

Whenever I’ve asked parents what they want for their children, the most frequent answer is “I want my child to be happy.” As I’m writing the new book, The Entitlement-Free Child, I realize how that simple goal can lead parents on an impossible mission.

You cannot “make” your child happy all the time. Happy is not a permanent state. It’s unrealistic to believe your child will b e happy all the time. One emotion cannot sustain your child in all of life’s various situations. You would never want your child “happy” when he sees his friend trip and fall. You would never want your child pretending to be “happy” in the hospital or at a funeral (please see the article How to Say Goodbye to a Goldfish on this website for more discussion on children and funerals).

You do want your child to feel safe and secure in any situation. Your child needs to know that emotions aren’t scary things whether they are his own emotions or the emotions of other people. From infancy to adulthood, your child’s emotional life grows and changes. Babies learn they are loved and lovable. They learn to trust and enjoy the world. They also learn to conquer frustration learning to crawl, walk, and speak. They learn through patience that people will come through for them tomorrow, or a week later. They learn that mommy and daddy still love them after new babies arrive at home or at the end of a very difficult day.

Your child learns emotional stability through ordinary daily challenges. He learns that things get better – boo boo’s heal and so do hurt feelings. People make mistakes and then make them right. Imagine, instead of having to spin your child in a protective cocoon of perfect happiness, you can give your child a life-vest that will keep him afloat in sunshine and in storms.