As parents, you want the very best for your children. You want to protect your children from mistakes, yours and theirs. You want to protect your children from hurt and from harm. And, if you had a crystal ball, you could know in advance the outcome of every decision you ever make. But that’s not how it is. And that’s not how it should be.
A grandparent told me a story about her son, the dad of two year old Charlie. Dad planned a wonderful birthday party – one of those perfect family occasions of love and memory-making – with games and celebration. Dad imagined all the fun that Charlie would have, especially the excitement of breaking the piñata. The family prepared for the big day. Charlie learned the name for this new birthday surprise – piñata. He played with the piñata all week long. The day of the party arrived and the children gathered to break the piñata.
Imagine Charlie’s horror to see all the children whacking what looked like a lovable horsy. Charlie screamed and shook in terror. Dad felt like he had just set his son up to witness the most incomprehensible act of torture and violence. There were no words to undo what Charlie was thinking but Dad did his best to soothe and comfort and explain.
Dads need hugs too. And all dads should have understanding wives, supportive grandparents, and the ability to forgive themselves for their shortcomings and imperfections. I’m sorry Charlie was sad and confused. I’m sorry Charlie hurt. But I’m also glad that dad was touched so deeply by this experience. He earned a parenting badge of courage on this day - the courage to feel with his son and to feel the kind of regret that only a parent knows.
Good parents are not those who never make mistakes. Good parents are those who find a way to live with the mistakes. Congratulations to Charlie’s dad. You’re a good father.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Pocketful of Tricks
If you’re lucky enough to go to Mommy & Me or Baby & Me classes, you hear dozens of new rhymes, songs, and games each week. Except what happens in class should not stay in class. Your child wants to be singing and dancing his way through every day with the people who love him full-time, all-the-time. And so, this is your reminder to pick a few of your favorite rhymes, songs, and games and add them to your baby-play repertoire on a regular basis.
Here are a few of my favorites for you to try this week:
This first one works great while waiting in lines and whenever you need your child to slow down and possibly pay attention to you.
Garden Snail Palm Rhyme
Hold your child’s hand palm up and draw circles with your finger…
Slowly, slowly, very slowly, creeps the garden snail.
Draw circles with your finger as you “walk” up your child’s arm…
Slowly, slowly, very slowly up the wooden rail.
Then repeat movements this time fast and crazy…
Quickly, quickly, very quickly, runs the little mouse.
Finish with a wild tickle…
Quickly, quickly, very quickly, all around the house!
This next one works wonders with a fussy baby because of those 72,000 nerve endings in your baby’s feet.
Shoe a Little Horse Foot Rhyme
Start by making small circles on the heel of your baby’s foot with your thumb…
Shoe a little horse.
Make long strokes from the heel to the ball of baby’s foot with your index finger…
Shoe a little mare.
Then, gently pull each of baby’s toes…
But let a little colt go bare, bare, bare!
Here’s one that turns you into the perfect magician for toddlers!
Magic Hat Game
You need a large hat that can hold a dozen plastic ping pong balls while on your head.
Show the children the balls in the hat. “Do you see the balls? Are they in my hat?”
Put the hat with balls on your head without spilling the balls. “Watch, its magic!
Be very dramatic wearing the hat, asking and pointing to the hat. “Where are the balls?
Feel free to prompt younger children. “Are they in my hat?”
Build to the grand finale! “Say, come out balls! 1, 2, 3, Abracadabra! Come out balls!”
Go for the explosion! Lift the hat off so the balls go flying around the room.
Tell the children to go get all the balls and repeat endlessly.
I highly recommend the following link for the article, Music and Movement for Infants and Toddlers: Naturally Wonder-full, by John M. Feierabend: http://www.giamusic.com/music_education/feierabend/articles/infants.cfm
I also recommend the following books:
· Baby Games, by Elaine Martin
· Tapping and Clapping, by John Feierabend
· Tickle My Nose and Other Action Rhymes, by Kaye Umansky
· Wonderplay, from the 92nd St. Y Parenting Center
Here are a few of my favorites for you to try this week:
This first one works great while waiting in lines and whenever you need your child to slow down and possibly pay attention to you.
Garden Snail Palm Rhyme
Hold your child’s hand palm up and draw circles with your finger…
Slowly, slowly, very slowly, creeps the garden snail.
Draw circles with your finger as you “walk” up your child’s arm…
Slowly, slowly, very slowly up the wooden rail.
Then repeat movements this time fast and crazy…
Quickly, quickly, very quickly, runs the little mouse.
Finish with a wild tickle…
Quickly, quickly, very quickly, all around the house!
This next one works wonders with a fussy baby because of those 72,000 nerve endings in your baby’s feet.
Shoe a Little Horse Foot Rhyme
Start by making small circles on the heel of your baby’s foot with your thumb…
Shoe a little horse.
Make long strokes from the heel to the ball of baby’s foot with your index finger…
Shoe a little mare.
Then, gently pull each of baby’s toes…
But let a little colt go bare, bare, bare!
Here’s one that turns you into the perfect magician for toddlers!
Magic Hat Game
You need a large hat that can hold a dozen plastic ping pong balls while on your head.
Show the children the balls in the hat. “Do you see the balls? Are they in my hat?”
Put the hat with balls on your head without spilling the balls. “Watch, its magic!
Be very dramatic wearing the hat, asking and pointing to the hat. “Where are the balls?
Feel free to prompt younger children. “Are they in my hat?”
Build to the grand finale! “Say, come out balls! 1, 2, 3, Abracadabra! Come out balls!”
Go for the explosion! Lift the hat off so the balls go flying around the room.
Tell the children to go get all the balls and repeat endlessly.
I highly recommend the following link for the article, Music and Movement for Infants and Toddlers: Naturally Wonder-full, by John M. Feierabend: http://www.giamusic.com/music_education/feierabend/articles/infants.cfm
I also recommend the following books:
· Baby Games, by Elaine Martin
· Tapping and Clapping, by John Feierabend
· Tickle My Nose and Other Action Rhymes, by Kaye Umansky
· Wonderplay, from the 92nd St. Y Parenting Center
Friday, July 13, 2007
Time to be Wild
Many years ago, an article in Mothering magazine speculated if children could act out age-appropriate aggression in pretend play, they may not resort to violence and aggressive grand-standing as adults. What if we gave up more than political incorrectness when children turned in their toy-guns? What if something essential was added to emotional and social development when children ran around fighting good and evil – cops and robbers, Cowboys and Indians, loud scary monsters chasing innocent screaming children.
Allowing outlets for wild play only works with clear rules about not hurting other children. Adults must believe they are capable and resourceful enough to contain mayhem. Adults create safe boundaries when they check in on children’s spontaneous play – children make pretty good decisions when they believe parents see, hear, and know everything. But children are not miniature adults. So, when a child blasts another child in pretend play, it does not conform to the same rationale or consequences as adult behavior. Children pretend to be strong and they pretend to die a thousand deaths. Children are learning about personal and social power. Unfortunately, parents may be living in a world where they fear random acts of violence and possibly feel a sense of powerlessness in the world-at-large.
Children need to roar sometimes. And parents need to carve out time and space for child’s play, Childhood is a magical place but it is also a scary place where children are learning to live in a world that gets bigger with each year. Children feel isolation every time they are scolded but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be scolded. Children fear abandonment with each step of independence but like Hansel and Gretel we encourage them to leave a trail of breadcrumbs so we can find them. Children feel the unfairness of not getting their way but we still guide them to be thoughtful and considerate. Pretend play is the pressure valve on childhood. It blows off steam when adult logic feels oppressive regardless of how necessary.
I respect the right of each parent to ban toy-weapons in homes and in schools. But even if you do, I suspect that many of you will still find your child inventing finger-guns and stick-sabers. Parents teach right and wrong. Children learn exactly what that means by playing on both sides.
Allowing outlets for wild play only works with clear rules about not hurting other children. Adults must believe they are capable and resourceful enough to contain mayhem. Adults create safe boundaries when they check in on children’s spontaneous play – children make pretty good decisions when they believe parents see, hear, and know everything. But children are not miniature adults. So, when a child blasts another child in pretend play, it does not conform to the same rationale or consequences as adult behavior. Children pretend to be strong and they pretend to die a thousand deaths. Children are learning about personal and social power. Unfortunately, parents may be living in a world where they fear random acts of violence and possibly feel a sense of powerlessness in the world-at-large.
Children need to roar sometimes. And parents need to carve out time and space for child’s play, Childhood is a magical place but it is also a scary place where children are learning to live in a world that gets bigger with each year. Children feel isolation every time they are scolded but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be scolded. Children fear abandonment with each step of independence but like Hansel and Gretel we encourage them to leave a trail of breadcrumbs so we can find them. Children feel the unfairness of not getting their way but we still guide them to be thoughtful and considerate. Pretend play is the pressure valve on childhood. It blows off steam when adult logic feels oppressive regardless of how necessary.
I respect the right of each parent to ban toy-weapons in homes and in schools. But even if you do, I suspect that many of you will still find your child inventing finger-guns and stick-sabers. Parents teach right and wrong. Children learn exactly what that means by playing on both sides.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Outside Over There
As I was looking through my library yesterday for children’s books on sibling issues, I came across one of my favorite books that is still as remarkable today as it was when it was published in1981. The book is Outside Over There by Maurice Sendak. Thinking I would write this blog on strong female characters in children’s books, I went to Amazon to check if Outside Over There was still in print. It is - but I also found an interesting assortment of “comments” about the book.
In my opinion, the book is pure poetry with the deep emotional truth of a classic fairy tale with a fearless female main character who saves her baby sister. I believe Outside Over There has the same emotional power for older preschoolers as Where the Wild Things Are, also by Maurice Sendak. Both books take children on an inner journey through challenging emotional situations of abandonment and powerlessness.
Bruno Bettelheim wrote about the emotional power of fairy tales in his book The Uses of Enchantment claiming that fairy tales capture the emotional struggles of each stage of development and that classic storytelling allows children to experience what cannot be expressed in rational thought. In the story of Outside Over There, the developmental issues might be: the wish to “lose” a sibling, the desire to “save the day”, the belief that parallel realities of good and evil coexist in the sometimes very confusing world of childhood. All of this occurs in the magic of thirty short pages. But the ending is as hopeful and resolute as “and it was still hot”, the perfect ending of Where the Wild Things Are that reassures every disobedient child that she is loved and cared for no matter what.
The “comments” section on Amazon, however, showed me that not everyone would agree. Some parent readers found Outside Over There “creepy”. In a world of Disney images, I urge parents and children story tellers to stretch beyond one-dimensional stories. Try a book like Outside Over There and watch how your child reacts. Is your child engaged by the pictures or the language? Does your child want to revisit the book or the story? Watch your child’s body language – when a child hears a story that ties into his emotional world, you will see it in his body. Your child will tell you which books meet his developmental needs.
For a great list of children’s books, check out www.turnthepage.com.
In my opinion, the book is pure poetry with the deep emotional truth of a classic fairy tale with a fearless female main character who saves her baby sister. I believe Outside Over There has the same emotional power for older preschoolers as Where the Wild Things Are, also by Maurice Sendak. Both books take children on an inner journey through challenging emotional situations of abandonment and powerlessness.
Bruno Bettelheim wrote about the emotional power of fairy tales in his book The Uses of Enchantment claiming that fairy tales capture the emotional struggles of each stage of development and that classic storytelling allows children to experience what cannot be expressed in rational thought. In the story of Outside Over There, the developmental issues might be: the wish to “lose” a sibling, the desire to “save the day”, the belief that parallel realities of good and evil coexist in the sometimes very confusing world of childhood. All of this occurs in the magic of thirty short pages. But the ending is as hopeful and resolute as “and it was still hot”, the perfect ending of Where the Wild Things Are that reassures every disobedient child that she is loved and cared for no matter what.
The “comments” section on Amazon, however, showed me that not everyone would agree. Some parent readers found Outside Over There “creepy”. In a world of Disney images, I urge parents and children story tellers to stretch beyond one-dimensional stories. Try a book like Outside Over There and watch how your child reacts. Is your child engaged by the pictures or the language? Does your child want to revisit the book or the story? Watch your child’s body language – when a child hears a story that ties into his emotional world, you will see it in his body. Your child will tell you which books meet his developmental needs.
For a great list of children’s books, check out www.turnthepage.com.
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