A New Year's Intention instead of a Resolution

Here it comes – 2008 is knocking at the door - and like good parents all across the country you resolve to be a better parent. No more yelling. No more begging and bribing. No more hate-yourself-in-the-morning mistakes. Of course, I want you to grow as a parent. I want you to enjoy your children and savor the joys of raising children. But I also know there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

One of my favorite lines from the Parenting Quick Tips CD is: Perfect parents do not raise perfect children; they raise children who feel not good enough. It’s time to give up that notion of being a perfect parent. It never worked anyway.

Before this New Year gets one second closer, choose instead a new intention that will guide your heart without adding enormous stress to your family life. An intention is a wonderful reminder of where and how you want to focus your energy. It isn’t an attempt to change you – rather, like that old bumper sticker, it lets U B U! It also carries an essential underlying message that you are enough and don’t need to be changed!

Parenting can be an expression of “what you are” instead of “what you think you should be”. When you start the day or when you’re faced with one of those stressful parenting moments, ask yourself: what’s my intention? You also have the freedom change your intention to fit different needs and different situations. If yesterday was extraordinarily busy, your intention today might be to take it slow. If you’re feeling the financially or emotionally depleted after the holidays, you might want to recharge with old friends or in nature.

NASCAR recommends drivers look where they are going – never at the wall! Your car will go where you are looking. Your children will too!

Are We Having Fun Yet?

What part of your day with your children is your favorite time? Yes, besides seeing them sleeping soundly safely tucked in for the night! Parenting is a lot of work but it’s also a lot of fun. It’s easy to miss the fun while you are busy being a good parent. But, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, childhood is too important to be taken seriously. Childhood without fun – Baa Humbug!

Of course I want you to take people-raising seriously. The next generation is in your hands and in your hearts. Yes, it’s good to think before you react, to not have temper tantrums when your child does, and to make parenting decisions based on your personal values not someone else’s. But, watch out for too-serious parenting.

There’s a reason why children love reading about Mary Poppins – she can sing, dance, and work a little magic whether she’s tackling homework or giving out a dose of medicine. So, here’s a few parenting suggestions straight from Mary Poppins!

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Avoid power struggles by sweetening difficult tasks. Make clean-up a game. Whistle your way through dreadful chores.

Let's go fly a kite. Get outside every day. Build something together. Run with the wind.

Feed the birds. Make it part of your routine to be kind to animals and help others. Children can be powerful caretakers of small creatures.

Chim Chim Cher-ee. Honor all those people who do the “dirty” work. Introduce yourself! Make garbage day a weekly celebration at your house.

Step in Time. It’s hard to be serious when you’re kickin’ your knees up and flappin’ like a birdie. Children need to blow off steam and to channel excess energy before it drives you crazy. Unschedule a few activities and get silly.

Love to Laugh. Snort! Giggle! Guffaw! Don’t let a day go by without a belly laugh or some cheeky chuckles. What’s funny to children? Slapstick, silly words, and, yes, underwear.

Fly! Most important of all, your children want to see you fly – with or without a magic umbrella. And you can because you are mom and dad, the most magical creatures on earth. In your child’s eyes, you can do anything. You can be anything. Start as a parent with two feet planted firmly on the ground, then…stretch, leap, soar!

Early Intervention

The world of early intervention services has changed considerably over the last few decades. Twenty years ago educators and therapists were looking to reach younger children and they promoted the advantages of early identification for three, four, and five year olds. We also saw the miraculous benefits of working with infants born prematurely or in high-risk deliveries. But, at least in my experience, we were fairly casual about referring one and two year olds for speech therapy and we certainly did not have the information we do today about the autism spectrum.

To paraphrase the words of Dr. Michelle Larocque, professor at Florida Atlantic University and consultant to B’nai Torah Early Childhood….

with early identification of toddlers, we can rewire children’s brains!

The world is changing. There was a time when a baby born at one pound could not expect the same opportunities as a baby carried to full term. Today, the same is true for children with a wide range of developmental differences. With new information and natural-setting therapies, very young children can participate in stress-free sessions that will lead to significant improvements.

So, for all of us – educators, pediatricians, concerned family and friends – who believe in the power of time and development, it’s time to rethink our response to parent’s questions about “is my child where he should be?” Development is individual and usually one area of development exceeds another area (an early talker may be a late walker). But with resources available today, we have an obligation to be informed about earlier identification and earlier support services.

I only ask that we all find a responsible way to offer support without creating a new hysteria. With new media attention and last week’s Oprah show with Jenny McCarthy, http://www2.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200709/tows_past_20070918.jhtml?promocode=HP31it’s understandable that the perennial fear “is my child normal?” gets ratcheted up a few notches. And the cliché “a little information is dangerous” is true as I hear stories of quasi-professionals making “diagnoses” that are inaccurate and inappropriate.

We all need to learn more and we need to temper knowledge with compassion and respect. For more information, see http://www.autismspeaks.org/

Play, Read, & Sing (Judaic Recommendations)

This week I want to say a special “thank you” to Libby Minsky, the owner of Chai Kids. I just placed my new order for Judaic classroom supplies and I am reminded of how wonderful Libby has been since my first order four years ago. I have loved learning Jewish traditions and planning child-centered activities for the classroom. At the same time, I appreciate Libby’s interest and encouragement. Libby has a way of always celebrating my curiosity.

And so, for all those parents who are learning or re-learning Jewish traditions, I invite you to learn as I did – first, by immersion in the robust world of children’s music where the essential concepts of Jewish values and practices sing their way into your understanding; and second, by “playing” with your child until Jewish practices begin to feel natural. You’ll discover an ever-evolving comfort with Judaism.

Visit Libby’s website for a great selection of music, books and toys: http://www.chaikids.com/. Years ago, Libby told me I had to buy Andi Joseph’s CD I’ve Got a Shabbat Feeling and she was right. You’ll be singing “Twinkle Kochavim” and “The Dinosaur Song” after one listen. For music with the perfect balance of depth and simplicity, buy Judy Caplan Ginsberg’s CD’s. Every one of these CD’s is excellent. Don’t miss “Shema Lullaby” on the Amazing Kids CD to incorporate into your bedtime routines. Speaking of bedtime, my favorite first books are Good Night, Lilah Tov and Good Morning, Boker Tov. And be sure to check out the wooden toy sets for Shabbat, Rosh Hoshanah, and Chanukah.

I can’t wait to see the new books and toys I ordered. Surround your children with the things you value. Immerse your children in a world that celebrates who you are and what you believe. And remember to thank the people who help us to grow and learn. Todah Rabah!

Charlie and the Piñata

As parents, you want the very best for your children. You want to protect your children from mistakes, yours and theirs. You want to protect your children from hurt and from harm. And, if you had a crystal ball, you could know in advance the outcome of every decision you ever make. But that’s not how it is. And that’s not how it should be.

A grandparent told me a story about her son, the dad of two year old Charlie. Dad planned a wonderful birthday party – one of those perfect family occasions of love and memory-making – with games and celebration. Dad imagined all the fun that Charlie would have, especially the excitement of breaking the piñata. The family prepared for the big day. Charlie learned the name for this new birthday surprise – piñata. He played with the piñata all week long. The day of the party arrived and the children gathered to break the piñata.

Imagine Charlie’s horror to see all the children whacking what looked like a lovable horsy. Charlie screamed and shook in terror. Dad felt like he had just set his son up to witness the most incomprehensible act of torture and violence. There were no words to undo what Charlie was thinking but Dad did his best to soothe and comfort and explain.

Dads need hugs too. And all dads should have understanding wives, supportive grandparents, and the ability to forgive themselves for their shortcomings and imperfections. I’m sorry Charlie was sad and confused. I’m sorry Charlie hurt. But I’m also glad that dad was touched so deeply by this experience. He earned a parenting badge of courage on this day - the courage to feel with his son and to feel the kind of regret that only a parent knows.

Good parents are not those who never make mistakes. Good parents are those who find a way to live with the mistakes. Congratulations to Charlie’s dad. You’re a good father.

Pocketful of Tricks

If you’re lucky enough to go to Mommy & Me or Baby & Me classes, you hear dozens of new rhymes, songs, and games each week. Except what happens in class should not stay in class. Your child wants to be singing and dancing his way through every day with the people who love him full-time, all-the-time. And so, this is your reminder to pick a few of your favorite rhymes, songs, and games and add them to your baby-play repertoire on a regular basis.

Here are a few of my favorites for you to try this week:

This first one works great while waiting in lines and whenever you need your child to slow down and possibly pay attention to you.

Garden Snail Palm Rhyme
Hold your child’s hand palm up and draw circles with your finger…
Slowly, slowly, very slowly, creeps the garden snail.
Draw circles with your finger as you “walk” up your child’s arm…
Slowly, slowly, very slowly up the wooden rail.
Then repeat movements this time fast and crazy…
Quickly, quickly, very quickly, runs the little mouse.
Finish with a wild tickle…
Quickly, quickly, very quickly, all around the house!

This next one works wonders with a fussy baby because of those 72,000 nerve endings in your baby’s feet.

Shoe a Little Horse Foot Rhyme
Start by making small circles on the heel of your baby’s foot with your thumb…
Shoe a little horse.
Make long strokes from the heel to the ball of baby’s foot with your index finger…
Shoe a little mare.
Then, gently pull each of baby’s toes…
But let a little colt go bare, bare, bare!

Here’s one that turns you into the perfect magician for toddlers!

Magic Hat Game
You need a large hat that can hold a dozen plastic ping pong balls while on your head.
Show the children the balls in the hat. “Do you see the balls? Are they in my hat?”
Put the hat with balls on your head without spilling the balls. “Watch, its magic!
Be very dramatic wearing the hat, asking and pointing to the hat. “Where are the balls?
Feel free to prompt younger children. “Are they in my hat?”
Build to the grand finale! “Say, come out balls! 1, 2, 3, Abracadabra! Come out balls!”
Go for the explosion! Lift the hat off so the balls go flying around the room.
Tell the children to go get all the balls and repeat endlessly.

I highly recommend the following link for the article, Music and Movement for Infants and Toddlers: Naturally Wonder-full, by John M. Feierabend: http://www.giamusic.com/music_education/feierabend/articles/infants.cfm
I also recommend the following books:
· Baby Games, by Elaine Martin
· Tapping and Clapping, by John Feierabend
· Tickle My Nose and Other Action Rhymes, by Kaye Umansky
· Wonderplay, from the 92nd St. Y Parenting Center

Time to be Wild

Many years ago, an article in Mothering magazine speculated if children could act out age-appropriate aggression in pretend play, they may not resort to violence and aggressive grand-standing as adults. What if we gave up more than political incorrectness when children turned in their toy-guns? What if something essential was added to emotional and social development when children ran around fighting good and evil – cops and robbers, Cowboys and Indians, loud scary monsters chasing innocent screaming children.

Allowing outlets for wild play only works with clear rules about not hurting other children. Adults must believe they are capable and resourceful enough to contain mayhem. Adults create safe boundaries when they check in on children’s spontaneous play – children make pretty good decisions when they believe parents see, hear, and know everything. But children are not miniature adults. So, when a child blasts another child in pretend play, it does not conform to the same rationale or consequences as adult behavior. Children pretend to be strong and they pretend to die a thousand deaths. Children are learning about personal and social power. Unfortunately, parents may be living in a world where they fear random acts of violence and possibly feel a sense of powerlessness in the world-at-large.

Children need to roar sometimes. And parents need to carve out time and space for child’s play, Childhood is a magical place but it is also a scary place where children are learning to live in a world that gets bigger with each year. Children feel isolation every time they are scolded but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be scolded. Children fear abandonment with each step of independence but like Hansel and Gretel we encourage them to leave a trail of breadcrumbs so we can find them. Children feel the unfairness of not getting their way but we still guide them to be thoughtful and considerate. Pretend play is the pressure valve on childhood. It blows off steam when adult logic feels oppressive regardless of how necessary.

I respect the right of each parent to ban toy-weapons in homes and in schools. But even if you do, I suspect that many of you will still find your child inventing finger-guns and stick-sabers. Parents teach right and wrong. Children learn exactly what that means by playing on both sides.

Outside Over There

As I was looking through my library yesterday for children’s books on sibling issues, I came across one of my favorite books that is still as remarkable today as it was when it was published in1981. The book is Outside Over There by Maurice Sendak. Thinking I would write this blog on strong female characters in children’s books, I went to Amazon to check if Outside Over There was still in print. It is - but I also found an interesting assortment of “comments” about the book.

In my opinion, the book is pure poetry with the deep emotional truth of a classic fairy tale with a fearless female main character who saves her baby sister. I believe Outside Over There has the same emotional power for older preschoolers as Where the Wild Things Are, also by Maurice Sendak. Both books take children on an inner journey through challenging emotional situations of abandonment and powerlessness.

Bruno Bettelheim wrote about the emotional power of fairy tales in his book The Uses of Enchantment claiming that fairy tales capture the emotional struggles of each stage of development and that classic storytelling allows children to experience what cannot be expressed in rational thought. In the story of Outside Over There, the developmental issues might be: the wish to “lose” a sibling, the desire to “save the day”, the belief that parallel realities of good and evil coexist in the sometimes very confusing world of childhood. All of this occurs in the magic of thirty short pages. But the ending is as hopeful and resolute as “and it was still hot”, the perfect ending of Where the Wild Things Are that reassures every disobedient child that she is loved and cared for no matter what.

The “comments” section on Amazon, however, showed me that not everyone would agree. Some parent readers found Outside Over There “creepy”. In a world of Disney images, I urge parents and children story tellers to stretch beyond one-dimensional stories. Try a book like Outside Over There and watch how your child reacts. Is your child engaged by the pictures or the language? Does your child want to revisit the book or the story? Watch your child’s body language – when a child hears a story that ties into his emotional world, you will see it in his body. Your child will tell you which books meet his developmental needs.

For a great list of children’s books, check out www.turnthepage.com.

Water Safety

Summer is here and children are playing in and around water. As a South Floridian, I know the precautions parents try to take to keep their children safe around pools and beaches. Parents can try to “water-proof” their children but there is absolutely no substitute for supervision.

The purpose of swimming and water safety classes for young children is enjoyment and skill. But remember, young children cannot be responsible for their own physical safety. It’s not their job. Take your child to water programs to encourage fun water experiences. Let your child enjoy being in water. Let your child enjoy the freedom and strength of her body as she frolics in the water. Your child may possibly learn some extremely useful safety techniques.

Be very careful - swimming and water safety programs frequently give parents and caregivers a false sense of security. Young children are notorious for making poor decisions, for over–estimating abilities and super-powers, and for under-estimating risks.

A typical example is this story from a mom of two-year-old and four-year-old boys. The boys “knew” the rules: no one is allowed in the pool without a grown-up. The pool was fenced and locked when the boys happen to be playing ball in the backyard. Mom was watching from the window to see just how this scenario would play out. The ball went over the fence into the pool. The two-year-old scaled the fence and was jumping into the pool to retrieve the ball. The four-year-old was following to “save” the two-year-old as he repeatedly scolded the two-year-old for breaking the rules. Mom had to “rescue” both boys.

The only thing worse than “no supervision” is “too much” supervision. Statistics confirm that accidents frequently occur when multiple adults are poolside and everyone assumes that someone else is watching the children. A great solution to this problem is available from Safe Kids Worldwide. Go to www.usa.safekids.org/water to print out “water watcher badges”. The designated water supervisor wears this badge and may not leave the water area without finding another adult to be the full-time “water watcher”.

Have a safe and happy summer!

When Nothing is Something

Summer is almost here and I want to strongly encourage you to do absolutely nothing!

Childhood, like a good episode of Seinfeld, ought to look like a lot of nothing. The problem is that nothing is really something and everything isn’t at all what you hoped it would be. If your child is like most children these days, he’s got too much of everything. And he is missing the joy and the wisdom that only comes from doing nothing. When your child is sitting around with a good share of nothing, I think he will discover the beat of his own heart. And when you and your child are sitting together doing nothing, your child knows he is the most special person on the planet because you choose to spend time with him.

I challenge you to pick a time every week, or possibly every day, to do nothing. This won’t be easy for some of you. So here, I’ll give you a few guidelines:

• Doing nothing means stay rooted to anything you think or feel at this particular moment (watch a bug, smell the breeze, let your body feel heavy or let your body feel light – use your senses)
• Doing nothing means be ready for spontaneous play (listen to any idea that pops into your head and say,”yes and…”
• Doing nothing means your only priority is this moment – no interruptions, no practical distractions allowed
  

When you begin with nothing, you and your child write your own script, follow your own rules, and tease all possibilities out of hiding. Trust that this time of nothing is exactly what your child needs to learn, to love, and to grow. This time of nothing will broaden your child’s curiosity, your child’s imagination, your child’s resourcefulness, and your child’s confidence to be who he is and where he is.

So when I ask you next August, “what did you do on your summer vacation”, I hope you’ll say “nothing”.


A great find: Two weeks ago in mommy and me classes, we were talking about family vacations, travel tips and travel games. When I recommended colorforms™ because they are a perfect “seat game” and even stick on airplane windows, a mom mentioned they are really hard to find these days. Wouldn’t you know, I received an e-newsletter last week from Wondertime that also mentioned colorforms™ as a perfect travel game with a link to Amazon.com. There you go! I also recommend going to Wondertime.com and signing up for their email newsletter – The parent blogs by Catherine Newman and Rand Richards Cooper alone are worth it.

Dare to be yourself!

With Mother’s Day approaching, I can’t help but wonder what it means to be a mother these days. Like so many other images surrounding us, motherhood seems more packaged than ever. Some ideal mother-image exists that captures the essential right-way to be a mom. Your child’s entire future hangs in the balance.

I’m sorry to say, I even preach it sometimes: the early years are a critical time for emotional attachment; family mealtimes are the mainstay of family communication; try to be calm when your child is pushing your buttons. Unfortunately, the messages when delivered by a “professional” can easily be heard as: know all the answers, be perfect, do it all. Mothers are oppressed by external standards. You get caught chasing the ideal - trying to be your “child’s first teacher” exposing your child to enriching experiences all the while building and guarding your child’s fragile self esteem in a treacherous world.

What image lurks in the back in your head as you read the following sentence? Good mothers are _______________________________________________. Patient, loving, and kind. Yes. Giving, fair, and resourceful. Yes. Is that enough? The list will haunt you because it is never-ending. And then, what about all those other things that mothers are – tired, rushed, frustrated and sometimes angry? Those are good mothers too. Those are real mothers having genuine relationships with children who have needs that are constantly changing all while being a woman who also has needs in a complex adult world.

And so, with all the choices that you face as mothers today, I ask you to make one. Dare to be yourself. Make motherhood fit you instead of trying to fit your very real three-dimensional self into a two-dimensional role. You are enough.

Especially in this world where appearances are often sold as the real deal, you are more than enough. Your child needs a person nearby if you want him to grow into a person. Your child needs to live in “real time” if you want her to think and feel and wonder. You will always want to do more and be better for your child. And you will, tomorrow. Today you are enough.

Stress

Everything I hear and see suggests that mothers today are more stressed than ever before. A survey on the Today Show compared whether mothers today have it easier or harder than the last generation of mothers. In many ways, mothers today have it easier, particularly when it comes to hands-on dads, innovative career options, and technological advantages that create new work opportunities, parenting resources, and connections to like-minded parents. The other news from that survey mirrored what mothers say in our mommy & me classes. Some 95% claimed that mothers today are more stressed than their mothers.

Is the world today is more stressful? Maybe. But hardship is not new to this generation. I think ambiguity is. Is the world more violent or is it a different kind of violence? There appears to be more fear and more uncertainty – more things beyond a parent’s control.

Problem is I also know that children need to believe that the adults around them can and will protect them. Children deserve safe childhoods surrounded by loving adults who have time to nurture, teach and enjoy them. In 1999, family/work researcher Ellen Galinsky confirmed that what children want from their parents is time and they “wish” that parents would be less stressed. Children see and feel the stress of living in overdrive.

We must stare down the fear of living in uncertain times. Make a list of everything you can “control” in family life. Start small with age-appropriate routines: bedtimes, family stories, and maybe a media-free night. Create a family life that is insulated from the stress of the external world. Children need to believe their families are safe sanctuaries where they can be themselves and be nurtured.

Childhood used to be a time of innocence. Reclaim it for your child with silliness and laughter. Your child knows the way. All you have to do is make the time to follow. Reclaim a small dose of innocence for yourself. That’s one thing your child is happy to share.

Doctor! Doctor!

The theme this week in Mommy & Me class is “doctors”. Here’s a theme that works well both for the parents and for the children. The children’s activities involve pretend play and interacting with things you find in a doctor’s office. Even our youngest babies are crawling or laying on long sheets of white paper – good practice since so many little children feel vulnerable and out of control being “forced” to lie on that paper. A tray with 50 tongue depressors is fun exploration for those pre-pretend babies.

The toddlers and new two’s will sit around the dolls and teddy bears to play “doctor”. The parents and teachers get things rolling by checking for earaches and talking about that “cold stethoscope” listening to beating hearts and gurgling tummies. In no time, the children are checking one another and caretaking for the dolls. Familiarity and pretend play give children a sense of power and understanding for those sometimes scary doctor visits.

The best activity of all is our “My Doctor” books. You know I think photo books are the very best books in the world. They are personal and meaningful in a way that no store-bought book will ever be. Parents bring in pictures of their children with their pediatrician. The book is only four pages long: the first page with the photo says “my doctor keeps me well”; the second page has a picture of a stethoscope says “with a stethoscope” because I love hearing children trying to say “stethoscope”; the third page with a picture of a syringe says “and a syringe”; the last page you paste on a real band-aid says “and a band-aid for boo boos….All better now!” The book goes into your child’s book basket for your child to revisit again and again before and after doctor visits. Fears are a normal part of childhood but a book in hand makes a potential fear small and manageable.

The doctor theme is also extremely relevant for parents as they discuss how they choose a pediatrician. Every parent sets her own priority. What matters most to you? One pediatrician gives out a cell number while others work in large groups. Some have multiple offices so parents can get office help even when whole cities are without electricity after a hurricane. Some parents choose a pediatrician because of specialized training. Others choose those with a gentle bedside manner who is never condescending or in a hurry.

One of the most valuable lessons of discussing pediatricians among a group of parents is the discovery that there will be so many different answers to any one parenting question. Parents learn that they are active partners in medical choices beginning with the first choice of which doctor best matches their needs and their parenting style.